


If We Are Monsters

by ezekiels



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-23
Updated: 2013-02-23
Packaged: 2017-12-03 08:20:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/696236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ezekiels/pseuds/ezekiels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Morgana regrets setting Freya on Uther. AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If We Are Monsters

It was as if Freya’s only defence were the layers of dirt and blood covering her body. They washed away in the hot bath water to reveal that she was covered in cuts and bruises.

Morgana moved the cloth across Freya’s back carefully, saying nothing. She couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Seeing what the change had done to Freya’s body made Morgana ill and some part of her knew that was wrong. Tonight, Freya had killed Uther.

Morgana had imagined how it would feel to know Uther was dead. What she felt as she took Freya’s hands and began to wipe the blood away was different from what she had been expecting. His death did not make her feel like everything was suddenly better. She felt sick to her very core because Freya had not killed Uther by choice. Morgana had forced her hand.

She remembered it all so vividly. Gwen bringing Freya to her, terrified of them both being caught. Freya changing for the first time and leaping from Morgana’s window to tear apart several villagers. Freya crying in Morgana’s arms the next morning and the only thing going through Morgana’s mind being that this –this is how she could kill Uther.

And Morgana had done it.

She had lied to Freya, taken her into the Great Hall where Uther often retreated. The sun had set and soon Freya would change. When Uther saw Morgana and Freya, he had been so confused –and when Freya had changed and torn him to pieces… Morgana remembered smiling. Morgana remembered laughing at Uther’s pleas. Morgana holding the door closed with nothing but her magic and Arthur screaming for his father. It had felt so good.

Then Freya had collapsed, sobbing and covered in blood. She had looked so small and terrified that everything had suddenly stopped.

Suddenly Morgana didn’t care about anything other than hiding –than protecting her.

Getting out of the Great Hall had been easy. There was a servant’s door at the other end of the room and Morgana had run through it, dragging Freya behind her. When Morgana had returned to her chambers to find Gwen, at first relieved at the sight of them and then horrified, Morgana had just known.

There was something very wrong with her. Perhaps something similar to evil.

But it hadn’t mattered because Gwen reacted instantly, not even questioning Morgana. She had hidden Freya and hurried from Morgana’s chambers to fetch water for a bath.

When Arthur and his knights had come, Morgana’s heart broke. Arthur’s strained and pale face… Of all the people in the world, she had never wanted to hurt him. Merlin was with them and the way he looked at her told her he knew. He did not say anything and even seemed to, very subtly, keep Arthur away from the curtain Freya hid behind.

Arthur and the knights barely searched her chambers. They left soon after they arrived. After all, she was the Lady Morgana, faithful to the royal court no matter what. Their blind faith in her made her want to run after them and confess. Instead, she had stood there, frozen before the door until Gwen returned.

Now they were in the light of the fireplace, Morgana washing the blood from Freya’s body. Gwen was sitting in a chair with her head in her hands. Occasionally Morgana thought she heard Gwen let out a little sob but she wasn’t sure.

Morgana forced herself to focus on Freya.

Finishing with Freya’s hands, Morgana reached up to wipe the blood from Freya’s face with a cloth. Freya looked right into her eyes with an unwavering intensity. Morgana averted her eyes. She could feel the accusation in Freya’s expression.

You made me do this.

It’s all your fault.

When the last of the blood and dirt were gone, Morgana forced herself to look into Freya’s eyes. “There. All gone.” She winced, knowing that treating Freya like a child was the last thing she ought to be doing.

Gwen materialized next to the bath, a towel in her hands.

Freya stood and let Gwen help her wrap the towel around her. Keeping a hand pressed to her chest where she had tucked the towel into itself, she held out her other hand, which Gwen took. Gwen helped Freya out of the bath and lead her behind the screen where there was a dress waiting for her.

Morgana stayed kneeling next to the bath, listening to the faint noises of Gwen helping Freya change. It was picked out especially because Morgana had never worn it before. Freya was easily beautiful enough to pass as a noble woman and, at midday so as not to cause any suspicion, Freya would leave in the company of Gwen.

The way Gwen had come up with such a plan made Morgana’s heart ache. If Morgana had any other maidservant, both Freya and herself would be on their way to the dungeons. In the light of what had happened, Morgana felt like she was the last person on earth who deserved such dedication.

Gwen stepped out from behind the screen and behind her was Freya.

Morgana’s lips parted in surprise.

Freya looked like more than just a noblewoman dressed in Morgana’s pale and dark red dress. She looked like a princess. Her hair was still in knots but it was clean, revealing long healthy black hair. Her skin, although scarred, looked smooth and rosy from her bath.

Freya glanced up at Morgana shyly, a shyness that it seemed no event could hinder.

“Do you think this will do?” Gwen asked.

“Yes,” Morgana said, voice coming out dreamy. She cleared her throat. “Yes, we just need to comb her hair.”

Gwen nodded and left Freya to fetch a brush.

Morgana nervously gestured to Freya and headed past the bath to the fireplace. She glanced over her shoulder to make sure Freya was following and was relieved to see she was. Morgana took a seat on the floor and Freya, after a moment’s hesitation, took a seat before her.

When Gwen arrived with a brush, she hesitated when she saw Morgana sitting on the floor. “My lady, I can-”

“It’s alright, Gwen,” Morgana said, taking the hairbrush from Gwen. “You should rest.”

“I can’t possibly leave,” Gwen said.

Morgana smiled. “Then stay,” she said.

Gwen hesitated again, glancing at Freya.

Freya did not raise her eyes to meet Gwen’s. She stared at the floor with a blank expression that Morgana desperately wished she could read.

When Freya made no objection, Gwen left them and went to Morgana’s bed. Morgana heard the sound of Gwen sinking into the soft blankets of the bed. It was only then that she began to comb Freya’s hair.

Morgana was overly careful as she combed Freya’s hair. She untangled the knots often by hand, too scared to risk hurting Freya. Slowly, very slowly, the knots in Freya’s hair began to disappear leaving beautiful dark hair. In the heat of the fire, her hair was turning a softer brown. Morgana could not help but run her fingers through it.

The rising sun took Morgana by surprise, as did the realisation that she had not finished combing Freya’s hair. Morgana was simply running her hands through Freya’s now dry hair.

Morgana pulled her hands from Freya’s hair and looked away quickly.

“Morgana.”

Morgana froze at the sound of Freya’s voice. She glanced up at Freya to see that she was looking at her over her shoulder. Freya looked exhausted.

“Will you come with me?” Freya asked.

“What?” Morgana asked, startled.

“Will you come with me?” Freya repeated. “When I leave. I don’t want to be alone.”

“But…” Morgana began then had to take a deep breath. “Why would you want me to come? I made you…”

“You didn’t mean to,” Freya said weakly.

“I did,” Morgana said. “I took you there so you could kill Uther. I’m so sorry that I made you do that. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.”

“Do you know why I am the way I am?” Freya asked.

The question came from out of nowhere. Morgana could do no more than shake her head.

“I killed a man,” Freya said. “I meant it and didn’t all at the same time. His mother, she was a witch. She cursed me to be like this, and you and Gwen… You were the first people to look at me like I wasn’t a monster.”

Morgana looked away. “You’re not a monster,” she said. “If anyone is a monster, it’s me.”

Freya placed her hand against Morgana’s cheek. Morgana froze, taking in a sharp, shocked breath. Slowly, she raised her eyes to meet Freya’s. She was looking back at Morgana, completely awake.

“You are not a monster, Morgana,” Freya said. “No more than I am.” Then she leaned forward and pressed her lips to Morgana’s.

Morgana hadn’t been kissed before. She had always tried to put on an air of experience and now, for the first time, she was being kissed. In all her imaginings, she had never thought it would be a woman. Sometimes Morgana had wondered if it would be Arthur and, of late, Morgana had wondered if she would lose her first kiss to Merlin. Instead, she was losing it to Freya. Freya, whose lips were cracked and rough. It didn’t seem like such a loss.

Morgana returned the kiss, her breath shaky. She wrapped her arms around Freya, pulling her closer.

This might not have been what Morgana had imagined but it was better than all of her imaginings put together.

Freya broke the kiss but did not pull away completely. She pressed her forehead to Morgana’s, her breaths as shaky as hers. “And even if we are monsters,” Freya said, “perhaps that makes us perfect for each other.”


End file.
